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1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

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2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

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3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All of the animals attended except one. Which animal did not attend the conference?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.  Remember, you just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

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4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across it. Have you not been listening to anything I’ve said? All of the crocodiles are attending the animal conference called by the Lion King. This tests whether you learn quickly from your previous mistakes.

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According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around ninety (90%) percent of all professionals tested got all of the questions wrong, but many of the preschoolers tested got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Author Unknown

The human resources manager tells him, “You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day.”

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a Computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, “You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day.”

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmer’s market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.

By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage.

The tomato company’s payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn’t have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, “What, you don’t have e-mail? No computer! No Internet! Just think where you would be today if you’d had all of that five years ago!”

” Ha!” snorts the man. “If I’d had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour.”

Author Unknown

Microsoft -> a little bit tender
Oracle -> divine’s word
Cisco Systems -> think science
HP -> benefiting the public
Sun Microsystems -> raising sun
IBM -> just IBM, no translation
Apple Computers -> still apple, the same fruit

Yahoo is happy with its Chinese name “tiger”, but Google don’t like to be called “dog”, especially “dead dog”, thus a few month ago Google announced its official Chinese name as “harvest song” which is also based on Chinese pronunciation (Gu-Ge). But no one wants to use its official name because it’s not fun. Therefore Google is still a dog in China.

As the search engine market competition heats up in China, the tiger and dog become evil. Yahoo, in order to obtain fervor from the Chinese communist party, had released Yahoo email accounts personal information to the communist party. Using this information, the party’s secret police had put several pro-democracy activists to jail. Recently a Chinese couple sued Yahoo and its Chinese affiliates, alleging the Internet firms provided information that helped the Chinese government persecute the man for his Internet writings.

Google the “don’t be evil” dog also surrendered to the evil communist party. If in China you search Google for keywords such as “June 4th”, “Tian An Men Square crack down”, “Falun gong”, “free Tibet”, you get either “page not found” or the communist party’s propaganda page. Google in China voluntarily blocks information based on the communist party’s request. These are the information the communist government doesn’t want Chinese people know. The evil party is afraid of letting people know the truth. The evil dog helps there to hide the truth and tell lies.

That’s not a joke. The tiger and dog is hurting people.

The father answers: “Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.  We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: ‘You got Male!’”

Sign of the times?

Author Unknown

Why is IT not it?  Because things are transformed in IT:

In IT, the web is not for spiders, it’s for people.

When you surf, you don’t surf the Ocean, you surf the web.

The net is not for fishing, but for phishing.

You start windows, not open it (not them).

You don’t go to hardware store to get hardware.

In the hardware you have bus, but that’s not the bus to carry you to school or mall.

You  tools are not in the toolbox in your garage, or your real toolbox don’t hold the soft tools.

In IT, everyone keeps a lovely pet on desk, the mouse.

IT is not it, because in IT things are virtualized.

In IT, I meet my friends in my space, but that’s not my home or my office, it’s just myspace.  When I say we meet, I don’t mean we meet face to face, in fact, we never meet, I mean, see the real each other.

Virtulization is great, you can have almost virtual  everything, virtual relationship, virtual love, virtual sex, you name it.  What’s virtual anyway?  As I understand, Virtual mean true but not true at the same time.  even the truth can be virtualized, call virtual reality.

Now you see, IT is not it.

“I am a computer for the First National Bank.”

That was a conversation 50 years ago, when computer was a job title, a position for employees.

“Honey, How’s your day like?” My wife asked.

“Very busy, I worked whole day with enterprise manager to fix problems.” I answered.

In my job as database administrator, I work with many managers, but they are not my bosses, so I don’t listen to them, instead I use them and abuse them sometime, that’s OK because they are not real people. Of course I have real human managers that I don’t want to abuse.

Now let’s see how many managers I’ve worked with:

1. Enterprise Manager
2. Server Manager
3. Recovery Manager
4. Network Manager
5. Memory Manager
6. Data Resource Manager

Not only managers, I also work with a bunch of assistants, brokers, and advisors, such as Database Configuration Assistant, Data Guard Broker, Automatic Segment Advisor, SQL Turing Advisor, SQL Access Advisor, just name a few. What a great team.

What’s your team look like?

See what we’ve had:

1. Toad – The SQL tool now owned by Quest Software, Toad for Oracle, sound funny!
2. Tom cat – Apache’s servlet engine. Want to see it’s picture? go to http://tomcat.apache.org/
3. Blue cat – Bluecat Networks makes Adonis DNS/DHCP appliance.
4. Mouse – The lovely pet you hold everyday. The good thing is, you get paid for petting it.
5. Python – Such a hot language, Google loves the snake.
6. Penguin – It’s LINUX.
7. ….

OK, time to go home now. What animals do you keep in your zoo?